Corridor of stupidity?

I'm sure many of you (especially those in Delhi) have been reading about the Bus Rapid Transit (BRT) Corridor in Delhi. In short it is a dedicated lane in a normal city road which is to be used only by buses thereby allowing them to traverse faster, ergo providing faster public transport. It doesn't cost much to build a BRT simply because it basically involves existing roads, segregating a corridor for buses and in some cases re-routing or restricting the movement of other vehicles on that alignment.

On paper the theory sounds fantastic for a chronically congested city like Delhi with its lack of sufficient and efficient public transport system and consequential dependence of its residents on private transport - namely cars & two wheelers. For those of you who don't know the quantum of this problem, let me quote an oft quoted figure - Delhi has more vehicles on its streets than all the three other Metros (Bombay, Calcutta & Madras) combined !!

Many other cities in the world (specially from the third world) like Bogota in Colombia and Jakarta in Indonesia, have successfully implemented the BRT system. However, if the first few days have been any indicators, the BRT has been nothing short of a fiasco in Delhi. Not only has it led to acute congestion on the corridor itself, alternate routes have become choked too due to harried commuters switching over to them. So then one would ask, what went wrong in Delhi? Knowing whatever little that I do about Public Transport, here is my analysis which is open to dissection and ridicule by more learned readers.

Reason #1 is Delhi's mindset - As much as Delhi wallas depend on private vehicles for commuting due to lack of public transport, driving a car is a status symbol de riguer in this town. One car per house is mandatory and anything more is just to show off your greenbacks (or Gandhis if you prefer). I have been conducting a mini poll of my own and asked anybody I met (which includes people from all socio-economic strata) if they would like to switch from their cars / bikes to a faster, comfortable bus if given the option. The answer without a single exception was a resounding NO !! I asked them if it was an air-conditioned Metro (subway / tube / underground) train instead and almost 90% were ready to give up their personal vehicles. While it doesn't really prove a point - it just shows the lack of willingness on the part of the users to switch to this mode of transport.

Reason #2 is the downright stupid design of the entire corridor which perhaps contributes to the above. Would you believe that the bus lanes are actually in the centre of the road??? India is a left hand drive country, so by default all the buses and other slow moving vehicles are in the left-most lane and the bus stops are also on the left hand kerb, so technically one doesn't have to cross the road to reach a bus stop and board a bus, and neither does a bus have to move out of line to rejoin the traffic flow. While the latter issue is redundant in a dedicated corridor but the major issue which concerns those who want to board the bus is - how does one cross the road to get to the bus stop??

With buses out of their way, cars would supposedly move faster in a free flowing traffic situation, and since there are no foot over bridges or signal lights to control vehicle flow, bus passengers are left to fend for themselves as they are left to dodge oncoming traffic while crossing the road? While the able bodied may still manage to hop skip and jump to the bus stop, did anyone think of school kids and the elderly when they designed this corridor? And the physically challenged people didn't even cross their mind I'm sure.

Reason #3 and the most critical factor is the fact that the existing road has not been widened by much and instead one whole lane is now off limits to cars & two wheelers. Which basically means that private vehicles now have 30-50% less road to travel on, without any significant reduction in their numbers on the same roads. In simple English it means that the roads are narrower while the number of private vehicles has not decreased simply because a next to nothing percentage of commuters have given up their vehicles and switched to the bus. So if this is not a recipe for a traffic jam of Bangkokian proportions then what is?

You would wonder which pothead designed this whole thing? Well, the basic design was proposed by two eminent professors from IIT - Delhi, India's premier engineering institute. These two professors Dr. Dinesh Mohan & Dr. Geetam Tiwari head the Transportation Research and Injury Prevention Programme (TRIPP) of Indian Institute of Technology Delhi and thereby seem to be eminently qualified for this sort of a thing.

I do not doubt their academic credentials and ability. In fact, I have personally met and interacted with Dr. Dinesh Mohan as well and was impressed with his understanding of issues. However, I doubt his motives - this gentleman is highly critical of the Metro trains such as the one Delhi has. Read one of his articles here to know what I mean. As much as he is critical of the metro in this article, he is also made his love for the BRT pretty much clear.

And then what is it that we hear? Tata and Volvo, India's biggest manufacturers of high capacity low-floor buses that will be used on the BRT are the chief patrons of the TRIPP, the department headed by these professors as well? While the papers put it as 'conflict of interest', and Delhi Transport Minister doesn't think too much of it... it smells of rotten fish to me.!! I mean, the BRT in its full stretch would mean a route length of more than 150km across Delhi. Calculate the number of buses needed to ply on this route and translate that into profits for these two companies and you would get what I mean. While I do not accuse anybody at TRIPP of any form of corruption, at the same time - it is not the ideal environment on the other hand as well.
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To get Delhi wallas off their vehicles and onto public transport in my opinion is not possible with the BRT. You would need a metro kind of a system which is faster from point to point and more comfortable. Agreed that it is way more expensive, but still it is a price worth paying. You would ask where would the funds come from... well look at the private sector. If the people building private airports like Delhi can come up with Rs 9000 cr (USD 2 billion) for the modernization, Rs 11,000 crore (USD 2.3 billion) which was the cost for DMRC's 62km first phase should not be too difficult.

To sum it up, I would say that the BRT in its present form would just mess up Delhi further. While its planners may have chosen successful models like those abroad to emulate, they have failed miserably when it came to execution. More importantly, they have been unable to adapt that model into the socio economical and cultural context of Delhi and therein lies its biggest flaw.

Looking forward to your views and corrections (especially if I have bungled up any facts)

What's in a (sur)name?

This afternoon, I got a call from our telephone company. Here's how the conversation went..

Phone Guy : Hello I'm calling from the phone company, can I speak to Mrs. Aloo Potato (the phone is in her name)?

Me: This is her husband speaking, how can I help you?

Phone Guy: Is that Mr. Potato

Me: No this is Mr. Gobhi Cabbage

Phone Guy: (Clearly sounds puzzled) Mr. Gobhi Cabbage? Then Mr. Potato????

Me: Forget it, please tell me what's it about.... and the conversation went on...

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Now what do I tell the wife and Mad Momma? Are women the only ones who face this problem?? Hume bhi life mein fight hai !!!!

Technology

I'm sitting in my office in Delhi on a stupid Tuesday evening, waiting for a heavy ZIP file to get downloaded. The file contains around 50 photos which had been taken earlier in the afternoon in Hyderabad and I am now supposed to send it off to a journalist in New York, who needs them in his 'box by the time he wakes up. He'd sent me a text message before going to bed that he needed them urgently as the CD I'd given him earlier got corrupted. End to end - the files would have reached him within 6 hours of him calling me up for them.

Now Imagine the same scenario around ten years back. The guy in NY would have waited for me to get to office before telephoning me on my desk line that he needed the photos (by when it would have been time for him to sleep.) I would have then telephoned my Hyderabad colleague on his desk phone to pass on the request. Had he not been there, I would have waited for him. By the time, the message got to him, he it would have been lunch time. He would have gone out post lunch to click the photos and then taken the camera to the studio around seven in the evening. Most likely the studio would have closed by then so he would have waited the next day to hand over the film roll. Another day before the prints finally arrive. By the time the photos reach me (I have to vet the photos before sending) it would at least be another day (or four days had it been Post) before the courier arrives.

By the time, I choose the photos and find the nearest International Courier and filled his form and the declaration (that I am not sending across any porn, drugs or nuclear weapons) it would have been another half day and a minimum of 2-3 days before the good folks at Blue Dart would have shipped it off to the Big Apple. In this case at least a week between the time the I got the call from the journo and he got his photos.

So we all assume that technology makes our life more convenient right? WRONG !!

Ten years ago, I would not have been in office past five in the first place so where does the question of me getting the call arise. But today, I have a cell phone, so journos (the 24x7 news channel variety) call me at 4 in the morning to enquire how far can see you on the runway. I have a laptop with a wireless internet connection, so my boss expects me to send and receive emails while I am driving at 120 kmph down Haryana's highways. I also sit in office till 8 usually, because technology allows my colleague to click photos on his fancy digital camera, process them on his computer and mail all 50 of them in a jiffy, so that I can download them and send them to the journo in NYC pronto !! And while all this happens, technology also allows me to vent my feelings on this blog rather than my stupid diary which gathers dust in my bookshelf.

And now we shall ask five friends to tell how technology has changed their lives. The lucky winners are

Vrij

Shuunya

Aa

C

Sidhusaaheb

C'mon Aussie, be a sport

The recent India Australia one day series has been more in the news for the 'wrong' reasons that the right ones. But first the cricket and my disclaimer - Australia was and still is the better cricket team. Nobody in their right mind would contest that. But what that title has brought with it remains to be examined.

Sreesanth's tomfoolery and Mumbai / Baroda crowd antics have got Australia's goat and they are screaming "racism, racism" louder than Nelson Mandela and Desmond Tutu !! This has even instigated my fellow bloggers in Australia into planning a reception for the Indians when they turn up down under in December !! How cute !!

I would say it is a clear case of the kettle calling the pot black, or rather 'Ulta Chor Kotwaal Ko Daante'. Have these guys forgotten Darren Lehmann who called Sri Lankans as Black C***s on the field ?? Have these guys forgotten how often their sledging gets personal ?? Remember Glenn McGrath taunting Ramnaresh Sarwan and Saurav Ganguly? Remember Michael Slater taking it out on Dravid?

C'mon Aussie - just because someone turned the heat back on you - and gave you a piece of your own medicine, you've turned overnight into Sisters from the Missionaries of Charity !!

Symonds, the man at the centre of this all had this to say at the start of the series... "Something has been sparked inside of me, watching them carry on over the last few days,. We have had a very successful side and I think watching how we celebrate and how they celebrate, I think we have been pretty humble in the way we have gone about it."

"And personally, I think they have got far too carried away with their celebrations. It has definitely sparked passion inside of us. It has certainly spiced it up as well."

Humble?? My fuckin ass !!! I'd like to shove some memory pills down his throat to remind them of what they did to Sharad Pawar after winning the Champions Trophy. Or of their own celebrations when they returned to Sydney after winning the World Cup.

I used to think of you as a champion side, a side full of sportsmen - not anymore, you're just another bunch of bigoted, racist, full of yourselves white boys masquerading as ambassadors for the sport. Sorry, we do not want ambassadors like you. We'd rather have more Sachin Tendulkars and Rahul Dravids - not because they are one of the best cricketers, but simply because they are one of the nicest human beings you'll meet on a cricket field. Sport needs them - not you

The bravery of being out of range

There aren't many more songs better than this one - an absolute classic. So true of our leaders, our politicians - the men in charge of our countries !!

Roger Waters at his best




Sing along

You have a natural tendency
To squeeze off a shot
You're good fun at parties
You wear the right masks
You're old but you still
Like a laugh in the locker room
You can't abide change
You're at home on the range
You opened your suitcase
Behind the old workings
To show off the magnum
You deafened the canyon
A comfort a friend
Only upstaged in the end
By the Uzi machine gun
Does the recoil remind you
Remind you of sex
Old man what the hell you gonna kill next
Old timer who you gonna kill next
I looked over Jordan and what did I see
Saw a U.S. Marine in a pile of debris
I swam in your pools
And lay under your palm trees
I looked in the eyes of the Indian
Who lay on the Federal Building steps
And through the range finder over the hill
I saw the front line boys popping their pills
Sick of the mess they find
On their desert stage
And the bravery of being out of range
Yeah the question is vexed
Old man what the hell you gonna kill next
Old timer who you gonna kill next
Hey bartender over here
Two more shots
And two more beers
Sir turn up the TV sound
The war has started on the ground
Just love those laser guided bombs
They're really great
For righting wrongs
You hit the target
And win the game
From bars 3,000 miles away
3,000 miles away
We play the game
With the bravery of being out of range
We zap and maim
With the bravery of being out of range
We strafe the train
With the bravery of being out of range
We gain terrain
With the bravery of being out of range
With the bravery of being out of range
We play the game
With the bravery of being out of range

(courtesy www.lyricsdepot.com)

I, me, moi.....

"That one last shot's a Permanent Vacation
And how high can you fly with broken wings?
Life's a journey not a destination
And I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings....."

So go the lyrics of the Aerosmith song 'Amazing' - the latter two lines sum up my own life. With each passing day, I think I know more about myself, the world and what lies within it. But then each passing day, i know less about it too. Each day brings new revelations, making me unlearn everything and start everything new.

And so it goes on and on to the point where you ask yourself, what is true and what isn't? What is for real, what isn't? What is permanent, what isn't? But what amazes me the most is the ability of people to change in a matter of seconds. One moment they are sweet talking - the very next, they're dripping venom or colder than ice.

I hate this aspect of being human, I hate this aspect of being selfish - not to say that I am not selfish at times. But I plain simple hate it - we'd do anything, just about anything for our own self - without giving a moment's thought to the affect it can have on others.

I don't know about others, but I have this massive inability to cope with such circumstances. I cannot react when it happens to me, and my reaction is extreme - either I'll cower in a corner or come out all guns blazing trying to take the other person on - trying to be one up!!

Both tactics fail invariably and I don't know what goes through the mind of the other person, but I end up being miserable - having spoilt my own day. Sometimes I wish I was a robot - devoid of any emotion. Sometimes I wish none of this would happen to me.... but then if wishes were horses, then pigs would fly

That last sentence makes no sense right? Life's like that..........

Chak De - Let it not just be flavour of the season

I'm sure the movie inspired many a blogger to come up with something. My earliest memory of the game goes back at least 20 years. My team won the Inter-class tournament way back in Class V and that was the time I seriously took up the sport. I did fairly well in the game, went on to represent my school and even played at the National level. Some of the boys against whom I played; today play for India (Gagan Ajit Singh is one example). I learnt the game Rajinder Singh, the coach of the boys team in the movie - so I guess I am fairly qualified to comment on the movie and the game.

The movie though predictable (you couldn't have us losing, could you) was thoroughly enjoyable. It gave me serious bouts of nostalgia to the extent that I was screaming foul, penalty corner, fall back & 1-2 in my head !! The movie is currently flavour of the season - but I hope it just doesn't stay that way. Lets hit the hammer while the metal is hot.

I am sure there are thousands who would have just discovered (much to their horror) that cricket is NOT the national game - it is hockey instead. Do you know that India has won 8 hockey golds in the Olympics - no other team comes remotely close. Do you know that Sansarpur, a tiny village outside Jallandhar has produced 14 Olympians. You also might know that the President of the Indian Hockey Federation is KPS Gill the supercop from Punjab.

Now you may ask what business does he have in hockey - well the same what Sharad Pawar has in Cricket and Priyaranjan Das Munshi in Football. And that is what plagues Indian sport. Our sports federations are run by people who have no skill whatsoever in the game. People, who leave alone representing the country, would have found it tough qualifying for the waterboy in their school team.

The day Gill came on board, he started treating his players as if they were recruits of the Babbar Khalsa. His autocratic ways took their toll on anyone who dared oppose him. The one person who spoke against him was sidelined and his international career brought to a premature end. Dhanraj Pillay spoke against the improper ways of the IHF post the Busan Asiad win, and he was promptly ejected from the team - where else (bar the PCB, who's chief patron is Musharraf) will you see such a thing happening?

Some of the greatest players of Indian hockey have been my mentors at some point of time or the other. Today they are content with their government flats and their kids are running the petrol pumps that were awarded to them. Ask them about giving back to the game and all you'll be staring at dejected faces and shrugged shoulders. Nobody wants to get into the muck the game has become.Nobody wants to mess with the politics.

They also laughed and cheered with us during the movie, but sadness tinges their voice when I talk to them about it. I was chatting with a former Olympian this morning, he said "Oh kuch nahi hona, lokkan ne sab bhul jaana hai, munde bahar nikal ke kirkat kheddange, hockey sirf o jaange jinna ne sarkari naukri te flat lai ke chup kar jaana hai. Eh sab drama hai - je badalna hi hai, te sab to pehlon politician nu game to kaddon - to player no khidao... fir vekho ki honda hai" (Nothing is going to happen, after the movie all of them will go back to playing cricket. The ones who play hockey are content with a flat or a government job. This is all a sham, if you want to change something then first get the politicians out of the game. Get the players to run it and then see what happens)

I just hope someone, somewhere wakes up and decides to do something about it. Thank you Chak De for giving this glimmer of hope, thank you Yashraj - you've made a worthwhile movie after a long long time.

Look who's talking...

There is an ongoing discussion on the Indian Railways Mailing List in which members are presenting views on load on cities' infrastructure by the growing number of immigrants from the country side - or to be more specific growing number of immigrants from UP/Bihar. Members are opposing introduction of new trains from these parts to Mumbai as it might encourage further influx.

I'm just wondering why poor UP / Bihar guys are singled out? Why is it that in most cities they are the ones blamed for most of the problems. I am not from Mumbai, but even in my hometown Delhi, the story is still the same.

Is it because most of these people are poor, live in slums, chawls or pavements (therefore mostly illegal tenements) that we consider them to be a strain on resources? Why aren't Punjabis in Delhi or Gujaratis in Mumbai considered to be a strain? Just because they live in affluent localities, drive around in flashy cars?

The garbage from the slums is easily seen, hence the people living there are considered unclean, filthy and therefore harmful to the city's general health. What about the unseen filth that flows from our drains into the sewers? These people manage by 'stealing' electricity from regular lines and hence blamed for the electricity shortage, but what about the tonnes of ACs, thousands of tube lights and other appliances that we run? Take a simple dipstick survey and it'll be clear as to who uses more electricity and water - them or us? And then we have the gall to blame them?
These people take public transport, we burn oil in our swanky cars & bikes. Who's more wasteful and a bigger strain on the city's resources?

People want to stop their influx, but pray tell me, who'll run your autos and taxis? Who will build the apartments you live in? Who will run your neighbourhood paan shop? Try asking a Punjabi or a Gujarati to do that ... and you'll get your answer.

I once asked a peon in my office as to why would he leave the village and come to the city where we lives in a single room with his wife and two kids who share the bathroom with thirty more. His answer was simple - he wanted his kids to go to a proper school, one that is not 35km away, one that has teachers and a blackboard. He wanted his kids to know what TV is, what a cinema theater is.... something he never saw as a kid.

So tell me, where does the answer lie - In preventing these people from coming to the city by force, or by creating opportunities for them nearer to home? Let's not forget our forefathers came to the city at some point just like they do now, so how is that you are right and they are wrong?

Nation of hypocites

Yes I really think so... we are nothing but a nation of perverts.



For proof look at Gujarat. Art students ending up in jail for painting nude images of women and 'hurting' religious sentiments. MF Hussain, probably the greatest most successful pianter modern India has, is on the run for desecrating images of goddess Saraswati by painting her in the nude.



Before even thinking of 'punishing' poor Chandramohan or MF Hussain, have these self appointed guardians of our morality looked around them, or looked at their own history. Looking at the way they are reacting, I don't think most of them have even seen a temple, otherwise they would have certainly seen nude images of gods and goddesses in temples across the nation, some of them dating back to ancient times.



Instead of attacking these poor artists or galleries, why don't they tear down these temples, blacken the images or renounce the ancient kings and artists who drew them.



The very same people will probably not even bother to protest against some disgusting programmes and advertisements on television. Under the name of Lord Balaji, Ekta Kapur propagates all sorts of immoralities in her K serials. I am yet to come across a woman who marries 4 people in 6 months, sleeps with half a dozen others, plot the deaths of a few others an still be the epitome of 'Bhartiya Nari'. Do you see Bajrang Dal activists tearing down her office? Has anyone yet protested or ransacked the Amul hosiery for releasing what is perhaps the most disgusting ad ever seen on Indian television? Why doesn't the government ban this ad, instead of taking AXN off air for a few months for broadcasting a programme called the 'World's Sexiest Commercials'.



And if you still need proof of the fact that we are nation of hypocrites and perverts, just see the comments below the video.

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Chunnu Padhta Diamond Comics

Like most kids, I too was a big fan of comics. In my childhood, good foreign comics were hard to come by. Our exposure to Superman, Spiderman and He-man was limited to evening cartoons on DD. Most of the comic book diet was made up of Indian fare with the occasional Archie or DC/Marvel comic procured from the flea market. Back in our days there were quite a few publishing houses of which the prominent ones were Diamond, Raj, Manoj & Tulsi. Diamond and Raj survive to this day, while I do not know much about the fate of Tulsi & Manoj.

Diamond was ofcourse the most popular with its chief characters like Chacha Choudhary, Saboo, Raman, Billoo, Pinky etc. These I used to like only when I was very young as the humor was very simple and as I grew it became childish. Diamond however, also published more 'serious' comics like Fauladi Singh (a masked superhero who fights space invaders) and his pocket sized sidekick Lambu Singh. I used to be a big fan of this character specially because of his laser guns and rocket ships. Another Diamond plus was its Sunday afternoon radio show on AIR Vividh Bharti which I think continues to this day. The program used to be based on forthcoming Diamond comics and the voices often presented very dramatic and exciting (for a child of my age) previews of the next week's issues. . And who can forget the famous jingle, "Chunnu Padtha Diamond Comics, Munni Padhti Diamond Comics, Mazedaar Hai Diamond Comics".


This used to be followed by a trip to Vinod's or Dholki's (our neighbourhood comic stores) from where we used to rent the latest comics for Re. 1 per comic per day. Since it was a big dent on our weekly allowance (5 rupees a week back then) the money used to be split between cousins and friends.

Manoj comics was the other big publisher with characters like Inspector Manoj, Ram - Rahim etc. Its characters were inspired by Amar Chitra Katha / Tinkle & Diamond Characters (Ram - Rahim were their answer to Diamond's Rajan - Iqbal). But my all time favorite Manoj Character was 'Crook Bond' a bumbling detective with a robotic car (much like Q's) piloted by 'Mr. Hol-dol' a robot who sat on the bonnet much like the Rolls-Royce marquee.

Some years later Raj Comics hit the market and became instantly popular. Its artwork and story lines were clearly inspired by Western DC / Marvel comics. Its first two superheros Nagraj and Super Commando Dhruv became overnight stars and for that day and age the quality of artwork and stories were incredibly good. Then came a slew of new heroes and sub-heros like Doga, Bhokal, Inspector Steel, Fighter Toads etc. which were to a large extent inspired by western characters. While Steel was clearly lifted from Robocop, Bhokal was He-manesuqe in origin while the Fighter Toads were clearly the Ninja Turtles right down to their sewer home.

Tulsi had very much a B-grade lineup with mediocre stories and characters, the most prominent was Tausi, a sort of rip-off on Raj Comic's Nagraj. But the titles for which I used to lust the most was Indrajaal - published by the Times of India Group which were mainly Hindi translations of International comics like Phantom, Mandrake, Flash Gordon, Garth etc. and ofcourse Phantom (or Vetaal) in Hindi was my hot favourite.

Amar Chitra Katha has remained an eternal favourite as well, and even today I can't resist digging into the adventures of Shikari Shambhu (so much so that I have named Bangalore Traffic Cops after him) and Suppandi. Kaaliya the crow - Chamataka the Jackal, Doob Doob the croc... the names just keep rolling.

But I don't know if any of you remember Daku Pan Singh, a Robin Hood type bandit who gained mighty powers after eating a made by who else but a trusted sidekick. Then there was Lot-comics, low on paper quality but high on laughter content. The characters had names like Motu-Patlu, Ghasita Ram. Madhu Muskan magazine had Uncle Ji and an US return accented nephew who used to take his happiness, while now defunct Target magazine had Gardhab Daas.

Most of these names have vanished now, and the Indian comic industry is stuck in a time warp. Of the surviving ones Chacha Choudhary comics are stale and hardly evince any laughter, while Raj Comic characters have either become cheap or the story lines have become downright ridiculous. For serious comic book buffs, there is nothing left and the children of today either read sex or violence packed American ones or Japanese manga easily available in supermarkets now.

Wish I could go back to those days, wish I could lay my hands on some Indrajaal comics and what would I not do to read Daku Pan Singh all over again. Sometimes I wish the kids of today had much more to do than Internet, Pokemon & WWE !!

Open Letter to ISI, LeT, Jaish, Al Qaida - et al

You fucking morons

You don't have the balls of an ant and you call yourself warriors, oh sorry holy warriors? Are half of you even literate enough to read what the Holy Quran says? Even if you did, I doubt if any of you even have an amoeba's IQ to decipher what the Prophet taught. Killing hundreds of innocent men, women and children going home after a hard day's work is not war in my book.. its a fucking act of cowardice which only low lifes, imbeciles and dick less turds like you can perform. You call this jehad right? I didn't know that jehad was about lobbing grenades at unsuspecting tourists, killing and maiming 6 year olds. I bet right now you and your masters would be watching the carnage on TV and rolling over in glee, after all only fucked up brains like yours can see the fun in it.

You want to fight for your relegion, fight for your Kashmir, fight against us infidels right? Then why don't you come out in the open and fight man to man? Why don't you wage open war upon India? I thought Allah's fighters had guts of steel, so why plant a bomb on the sly and run? Why don't to face our cannons head on? Forget the cannons, why don't you face me one to one? Trust me assholes, you will piss in your pants before you do that. I challenge you.. fight a straight fight and see who wins. But you won't because you don't have the balls. You won't even be able to look straight into my eyes. You are the worst scum this universe has ever produced and if you are dreaming of heaven after this then I am sorry.

For if there exists a God, A Allah or a Ram he will condemn you to the worst corner of hell. Because if he doesn't then he is no God... then he is one of you.

I am rich and the law is my bitch

Just this morning I read about a bunch of schoolkids in Gurgaon, racing an Optra against a Palio and in the process mowing down a poor security guard. The kids were on their way to school and were in uniform when the incident happened. All the kids belong to a posh airconditioned school with all the trappings of a five star hotel than an educational institution. But the point is that being sons of rich people, all they have been booked for is rash & negligent driving and let off by paying a bail of a paltry 500 rupees.

The poor watchman on the other hand fights a grim battle in the hospital. Both his legs were crushed under the car resulting in multiple fractures and doctors say he might end being an invalid for life. The sole bread earner for his family is unaware of what lies ahead of him. The kids meanwhile would get on with their cushy lives, with daddy dearest taking 'good' care of the cops and all the hoo-ha that comes with it. After all, he's rich and the law is his bitch and he is not alone.

I can rattle off names like Sanjeev Nanda, Manu Sharma, Vikas Yadav, Abhishek Kasliwal, Salman Khan and so many more. All of them rich and with connections, someone is a Bollywood megastar, while someone's dad is an MP or comes from a business tycoon's family. All of them with enough money to buy the cops, the judges, witnesses and if need be even God or so they think. And the law, that filmi white lady with a black strip across her eyes is blind, actually blind.

It just fuckin' sits there while these people go on killing, raping, pillaging the world like their own fiefdom. What did the law do to Vikas Yadav? Accused in the murder of Jessica Lall, he was let off on bail so that he could go ahead an murder Nitish Katara just because he did not like him going around with his sister. And then he leads the police on a wild goose chase across several states while he sits comfortably in a farmhouse and surrendering when he willed only to be let off on bail again. What fuckin crap !!!!

I think the law in this country is a bastard. Can you believe that you could be arrested without bail for a bounced cheque, but you could get off on bail for raping, mudering or mowing down people?? And then we have the balls to call ourselves civilised. The law allows a sans testicles Shayan Munshi to go back on his testimony in the Jessica Lall case so that this bastard can go to Bombay and become a model and chase other girls. The law catches Sanjay Dutt for possessing an AK 56 and puts him and jail, but no one went and asked that MP in UP that where did he get that AK 47 which he was brandishing while cavorting with scantily clad dancegirls?

The law is the bitch of the rich and the poor have nowhere to go. I just hope that someone forwards this post to judge who can read this and get me arrested for contempt of court. Maybe I will also pay someone a bribe, get off on a bail and then start writing another post about how our law is a bitch which can be fucked by any dog with some money.

How Kaavya copied, got caught and got screwed for life

Damn you Kaavya !! You couldn't even get a simple thing like Ctrl C + Ctrl V right ?? Shame on you !! Didn't anyone ever tell you about the Shift + F7 option in MS-Word !! I wish you had known, you could have atleast used synonyms for god sake !! Copying like this?? This is not your CBSE exam, you should have known better !!

But see what you have done now. You've given people like Shobhaa De, a chance to comment on all things literary !! Imagine that stupid writer of the worst porn I have ever come across, posing as one hell of a literary icon on TV. But then no one complained of Shobhaa copying from anyone, after all there aren't too many ways of writing "......... as he unhooked her bra, she moaned in ecstacy.......". But then you got even Salman Rushdie to comment on you, that surely must have been the high point of your short career, or so CNN-IBN seems to believe.

How on earth did you ever get to Harvard? I am being told that you 'hired' a lobbyist to get you into that snooty place? And after getting to Harvard what do you end up copying ... er writing? A stupid 'chick-lit' novel !! The goddamn term itself is so disgusting, sounds like you borrowed some one's half chewed gum. That's not we expect from someone going to Harvard do we? I thought brain dead monkeys or women with a rat's IQ would want to read that sort of trash.

Anyways, what you HAVE ensured is that whatever copies that are left on the street will now be sold for premium though I don't see why anyone should have read your trash in the first place. And couldn't you find a better name than Opal Mehta?? Sounds like a post-modern Gujju jeweler's daughter to me.

All said and done though, enjoy your ten minutes of fame any way they come. Till now only the women knew about you and and your chick-lit trash. Now all the men know about you as well, and I guess that can't be such a bad thing after all. Look out of your window, you may find some Thambi geek with a "Marry me Kaavya" placard down in the street.

Good luck then.......

Megastars & Fans

Chennai, Tamil Nadu : A mini riot erupts outside a theater as many fans are turned away from the box office as all tickets for the first day first show are sold out for Rajnikanth's 'Baba'. It is another matter though, that tickets for the next show are still available.

Rajahmundry, Andhra Pradesh - a group of fans loyal to 'megastar' Chiranjeevi hijack a theater and force the owner to run a poorly faring movie to virtually empty seats for weeks. Reason : they want the movie to complete its silver jubilee by running for 25 weeks to beat rival star Venkatesh's movie which has been doing well.

Hyderabad, Andhra Pradesh - A fan commits suicide, after losing heavy bets on the fate of his idol Balakrishna's release. The fans association pressurises the producer to 'compensate' the deceased's family. The producer, already reeling under heavy losses approaches the star's secretary and the two try to talk Balakrishna who is the son of the late NT Rama Rao, former chief minister and demi-god of Telugu movies, into footing a part of the compensation. An argument ensues and the star shoots both the producer and his secretary at point blank range. Miraculously, both survive and blame the star for it. A few days later, they retract their statement blaming the act on some unidentified assailant. Balakrishna, meanwhile gets admitted to the hospital for a 'cut on the finger' !! A few weeks later, the star's security guard is battered to death with a heavy marble table top while no one in the house hears a thing !! No progress has been made in any of the two cases.

Bangalore, Karnataka - Following Kannada thespian Rajkumar's death, riots break out in the city. On the day of his funeral, the entire city is shut down, shops, offices and schools are closed. Buses are burnt and the Deputy chief minister of the state is stoned and injured when he arrives to pay his last respects. Similar scenes had been witnessed a few years back when Rajkumar was abducted by brigand Veerappan. The kidnapping drama continued for months before Rajkumar was released after being paid a rumored ransom running into crores.

Welcome to the world of South Indian cinema. Temples and poojas in the name of the stars are just a mere detail in the passionate world of their fans. Passionate is however, the wrong word to choose. For lack of a better word, crazy is the nearest term I can find. The South Indian fan is a weirdo, he will go any lengths to catch the first day first show of his idol's latest movie. After that, he will see the movie maybe 20 times again, just to see that hot dance number, and walks out of the theater once the song is over !! So often you can find groups of youth staring at the posters of a forthcoming movie and lay huge bets on their fate. Film stars simply rule the South Indian mind.

Psychologists and behavioral scientists term this mania as escape from the dreary realities of daily life - which translates into a release, a near sexual gratification achieved by watching rotund heroines and hirsute heroes gyrate to the latest Vengaboys ripoffs somewhere in the Swiss Alps. When the audience screams and claps as the hero single handedly beats 3 dozen baddies to pulp without breaking into sweat, it is termed as an expression of the underlying rage of the masses against the system. The Times of India, this morning had a 2 column story on various psychologists' views on the mob psychology and the mass hysteria following Rajkumar's death - and my opinion to all is that it is a whole lot of baloney.

Rajkumar was perhaps one of the few cinema demi gods from the south to have not embraced politics, but before him countless others have stepped over to politics capitalising on their popularity, NTR, and MGR are only two examples. Cinematic popularity in the south gives you a whole lot of clout. Stars themselves fuel this fan hysteria to their ulterior motives at many times. And political parties are smart enough to recognise this and they try and recruit as many stars as possible within their ranks, and slowly this malaise is spreading north as well.

Why do you think the crowd erupted at Rajkumar's funeral, it was the work of political goons, try to capitalise on this moment to create unrest, to create a situation to derive political mileage from. Otherwise, why would the deputy CM be pelted with stones. Crazy and irrational the movie fan maybe, but this surely is not his doing.

First it was religion, now it is films the only thing that is now left for the politicians to screw up is cricket, and with Sharad Pawar and his cronies at the helm, I am just wondering how long more before that happens?

Things I don't understand !

1. Drivers overtaking from the left
2. Veg Hamburgers, Chicken 65, Gobhi Manchurian
3. Garlands of currency notes in our weddings
4. Why is Cuddapah called HX by the Indian Railways
5. How does Bappi Lahiri manage to pass through a Metal Detector
6. Why did Bush invade Iraq
7. 200 ml water bottles in airplanes
8. Arundhati Roy & Shobha De's books
9. Mahesh Bhatt and his family's movies
10. Malika Sehrawat
11. Indian Education System
12. Organised relegion
13. Indian weddings
14. Politics
15. Women
    

Hangovers

2 days back I was reading an article on the the 155mm FH-77B howitzer, more commonly known in India as 'the' Bofors Gun. More specifically, I was reading about the pounding it inflicted upon enemy positions during the Kargil war. And this morning it seemed that one of those FH-77Bs was going off right near my ears at 2 second intervals.

Opened my eyes too see the world hazy and bright. Trying hard to locate my stupid Nokia which was the true source of those mind bending explosions, I cursed the makers of Botox, my choice of profession, Metallica, Led Zepellin, Pink Floyd, Pearl Jam and all those bands at Turquoise Cottage last night. I stumbled out of bed trying to shake off the cumulative effects of a tankful of Old Monk, Coke, Foster's and Castle Lager that had been downed last night headbanging to the music which my mom says made lose my faith in god.

A hangover is the worst thing you can take with you to work, and woe betide those who end up being in office for the second weekend in a row. It is another matter that I have nothing to do till 1800 this evening and just to keep myself from falling off, I am writing this post. Coming back to hangovers, many people have had many things to say about them :

A certain gentleman known to us only as John commented, "After a night of too much alcohol and spirits, thou must kneel, embrace thy throne, and sacrifice to the Porcelain God."

Another unknown entity had this to say, " A hangover is the wrath of grapes. " I'd add sugarcane, malt, barley and even wheat to that list.

But no matter how much pounding our head receives in the morning, or no matter how many times we regurgitates our intestines at the sink, we is back on the barstool at the very first chance we get. Though I have not put much thought into the reason behind it, many writers, poets, thinkers, statesmen and other renowned people have said a thing or two about drink.

For example, the famous musician Tom Waits once said, "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy."

An anti-war gentleman believed that we should "Draft beer, not people".

Then there was this man who was fond of wine was offered some grapes at dessert after dinner. "Much obliged," said he, pushing the plate aside, "I am not accustomed to take my wine in pills."

End of the day I care two hoots where my livery ends up, as long as the liqour ends up in the right place. There is nothing like sitting in a noisy smoky pub with friends downing Old Monk, Coke, Foster's & Castle Lager listening to the music of Metallica, Led Zepellin, Pink Floyd, Pearl Jam and all those bands whose music my mom says, made lose my faith in god.

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Things that irritate me no end....

1. Drivers behind me who start honking a millisecond after the light turns green
2. (K)Ekta Kapur's serials and her ilk
3. The endless announcements on the Metro
4. Backbiting
5. Leaving a 1 rupee tip
6. P3P, Delhi Times, HT City and Zoom
7. Fashion TV (except the lingerie collection)
8. Navjot Singh Sidhu
9. Relatives wanting to marry me off...
10. All of the above.....